Haunted: Three Years Later

I'm haunted by the thoughts of you and what you did to me. 

I'm haunted by the friends I've lost because of you. 

I'm haunted that you still exist in another part of the city, a city I call home. 

I am tired that I lost so much on that day that I will never be able to get back.  I am tired that three years later you still haunt me. 

My security is still gone. I am sure that I will never get that back. I accept what happened to me that night. It is a harsh reality.  I think back on several occasions on how the night could have been different.  So many variables, so many things that could have been different...so 'that' didn't have to happen to me, but it did.  I hate that I still run through what could of or should of happened that night.  

I hate that I ever called you a friend. A friend doesn't tear you to pieces. A friend doesn't inflict that kind of pain. A friend doesn't take advantage of you when you are not in any state of mind. A friend does not hurt you. 

I hate that you haunt me.   

I'm tired of you haunting me. 

I wonder if the things you did to me that night, do they haunt you? I know there is a God and I trust in him. And what I do know is that he is a just God.  

Panic Attack?

Yesterday, I was on campus late taking an exam.   Exam closed at 11:59 p.m. so I crammed before the exam till 11 p.m.   

I completed the exam and had to walk back to my car.  I begin to get really scared. Campus has a different look at night.  First began when walking through an alley on campus and it was dark and scary for me, nobody around.  I became really nervous that I ran through that alley, even though I was on the phone.  I got off the phone, while walking I passed a student, I assume, on the regular walk ways (again no one else around)... I began to think how easy that tall man could hurt me, attack me, and how hard it'd be to get him off of me if something happened. Soon every man I walked by at a given time, not even close to me, I'd experience more and more fear that it just began to add up to how I was already feeling.  I was walking through the cross ways (campus is big).  I began to have extreme paranoia. Began thinking about Ted Bundy and how he would pose as a college student to his victims.. (that didn't help).  I never had this happen to me before. The feelings I had, I was so scared.  I'm not as familiar with the school at night.  And not only that I had parked somewhere new and really wasn't sure how to get back to my car. 

My emotions got so high that I broke down crying as I walked through campus trying to figure which way to go that would lead me to the right parking lot, that led to my car, my sanctuary.  I called my son's father, and told him how scared I was.  He was shocked I was crying.   After I started to see more people towards the dorms and  after my crying began to cease, my emotions started to cool down, and I calmed down.  I couldn't believe my own body, and emotions that just happened to me.... being so scared.  I never experienced that before.  

I don't think that would have ever happened to me before that man took my security away from me. Three months after and it is still affecting me.  

Every so often I actually feel like I'm healing and I'm better, but then something like this happens and shows me that I'm not completely healed and I don't know if I'll ever fully recover from this.  

To Feel Alive Again

I feel numb. So much going on in my life right now but I have this intense feeling I want to feel alive again.  As if I didn't?

I don't understand it.  I've noticed I have an intense need for some kind of change.  Can anyone help me understand why?

I've highlighted my mundane, brunette hair.  Let's begin with that. I'm normally content with my hair but I've been growing it out. It's quite long now. Before deciding to highlight it, I nearly decided to cut a lot of it off. That is when I decided to try some highlights instead to satisfy that need for change I was feeling.  I still want to cut off two inches but that's less than what I was envisioning before.  I'm trying to do things that satisfy this emotion I'm having and even though I do it thinking it would help me feel something, It still doesn't satisfy me.

My room.. I rearrange it all the time, throw things out, make room, switch it up, and it's never okay.  I feel like my room is closing in on me and that is why I'm trying to get rid of things.  I still want to change it some more. I feel like I'm suffocating, and I can't breathe...  and I try to change that room and it really does absolutely nothing.


I don't know where or who, or what to turn to now.  I honestly feel like I have no one.  And the friends I once had, seem like they've abandoned me.  And the only comfort I got today was from a fellow blogger.  Thank you, it truly meant the world to me.


This being strong thing is extremely hard.  I never thought that what happened to me would affect me this much.  I can hope and pray it won't bother me in the future years, but I highly doubt it. These kind of emotions just spring on me and I have absolutely no control over them.  Maybe the lack of control on my emotions really bother me too.  I don't feel strong when they spring on me the way they do.

I'm tired of feeling like I do now.  Emotionally exhausted because of these emotions that sprung on me.
I pray for the day I feel less and less of these type of emotions.
If anyone can help me understand my emotions feel free to comment. I appreciate any feedback to help me understand my thoughts, and give me somewhat clarity so I can try to heal from this.  Surely seems like a never-ending story, but I'm attempting to take my first step.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.  <3

Why have you broken me?

Close upon eight weeks ago, I was raped.  It is something I am constantly trying to forget, move on from, heal from.  I will not deny it has been the hardest time in my life.  I never felt these kinds of emotions before this happened to me.  I have not been myself in a long time, I can only try to pretend I'm the same person I once was.  But this has tainted me for the rest of my life… I just pray one day I will barely remember.  I don't know why I didn't, but I didn't press charges.  I just wanted to forget it happened. Pretend it never happened.  But even if I didn't take those measures, I can't forget. I can't get it out of my mind.  I will no longer trust so easily.  I thought of him as a friend. I never expected that from him.   He has caused me so much pain.  I contemplated suicide because I couldn't decide to press charges or not, so I decided to put it out of my mind --I just didn't want to think about it anymore.  My hectic schedule has helped me to not think about it but when I do have time to merely think, my thoughts always go back.  And it puts me in this other world, if you saw me when this happened you'd understand what I'm trying to explain.  I'm not there.  I'm right back 'there' where it happened.  And I hate that place!   Nearly two months and I still feel so hurt and broken.  I wonder how much longer will it take to feel like myself again?  How much longer, can anyone tell me?  Because I don't see it.  

And 'you', why did you do this to me?  Why have you broken me? Why did you think that what you did was okay?  I still find myself in denial that it was you. What you did wasn't right.  You will never know the pain you've caused me.  The turmoil you've put me through.  My world has been put upside down because of you!  I contemplated suicide because of you, but you know what stopped me?  My son…   he is the only one that brings me hope through all of this.  I can only see a future because of him.  He is the reason why I try to continue to hold myself up just barely.  Everyday is still a struggle.  It crushes me to think if you’d ever do this to another girl.  Next time, please think about your little girl before you do it!!  Think, would you ever want a man do this to her?  I pray that your daughter will never have to experience what I experienced.  May God keep her away from harm and that no monster will ever do that to her.  

I cant stop thinking!!

School has kept me so busy that I haven't given much thought to my emotions and really it's been a nice distraction. Cause I prefer not to think about all of this -what happened to me.
I hate what happened to me.  I wish I could just forget all of it. I don't want to remember what 'he' did to me. I've struggled with depression a lot of my life and all of this hasn't helped. I really don't know what I can do to help me heal from this.  But I do know it's what I want desperately.
Is it out of my grasp right now? 
Do these tears I cry now, will they help me?
Will they help me heal?
Will me writing help me heal?
What can I do to help me heal???
I want to move on from all of this and I pray to my Lord that I will.
I feel like I've been destroyed.  Once I let my emotions take over like right now.  I feel damaged. I feel like he took so much from me that day.  And worst part of all of it he has absolutely no idea how its made me feel. He has no idea what it feels like to be taken advantage of, to lose that sense of security. 
I want my sense of security back.  I feel like I'll never get it back.
Can I rewind my life up to that night, not have gone to that party. 
How did 'you' think that it was okay to have done what you did to me that day?
Why did you do this to me?? That I have contemplated leaving this life from the hopelessness that I feel.
The pain that weighs down my heart is the worst, this feeling I have when my emotions have taken over. My breathing slowed, my throat feeling like its closed up. 
I feel like I can't take anymore but I know I have to be strong for my little boy and try to fight my emotions.  Fight the devil for the thoughts of suicide he has planted in my head.
I have so much to live for, my little boy first and foremost. 
I can't let that guy ultimately let my son lose his mother for the actions of what 'he' did to me.  I can't give him that too.  I pray to heal. 
Lord give me your strength and hope for another day, everyday. I love you!

Crushed

Few weeks ago something crushed my soul and made me lose hope in a lot of things in this world.  This detective made me lose the confidence I somewhat had that I wanted to prosecute and made me change my mind.  Is what I'm deciding the right thing?  I feel like this lost soul, not knowing of where to go, what to do.  What's right and what's wrong? Do I try and find justice to this injustice that was done unto me?
Why am I having this war in my head? 
Was he ever a friend? Does he really think women as just objects?  That he can do what he pleases? 
If he was drunk out of his mind what he did was not right! I don't care if he was drunk, he has to realize I did NOT give consent to what I found him doing to me.   If I had known I was going to be raped I would have called for someone anyone to come and get me when I was throwing up!   I am so upset I at myself that I let myself get in that position and I'm hurt that I lost trust I had in friends or anyone for that matter.  I don't feel good and I'm having such a hard time with this.  
I want to heal and I don't know what I can do to possibly begin to move on from this.  Its eating me up inside. What makes me, me feels like its dying.  I don't feel like myself anymore. 

Suffocating

I was raped.  Three words I never thought I would ever say nor reluctantly type in my life.  It happened nearly a month ago, and it feels like it happened a few days ago. and unfortunately I'll never forget it.  I'll never forget the smell that filled the room, the clammy look of his skin and face as he was on top of me as I woke from a blackout.  He was a guy I thought I could trust. I had known him for over a year and a half.  And it pains me to know he is the one that causes me all this pain he has caused me and continues to pain me with now.  I can barely stand it. I can barely hold it in.  I feel like my chest is about to explode from all this emotion that just wants to tear outside of me. I feel like I can't breathe and that I'm going to suffocate because I can't release it.  I can have some relief when I talk to someone about how I feel but it doesn't go away.  And I'm just trying to figure out a way that I can help myself feel normal when I'm alone with my thoughts.

I don't know if I have the strength in what it takes to continue this fight.  I'm emotionally exhausted at the thought of it already.  Last Thursday I finally reported this crime, and now I have to see the detective on the case tomorrow afternoon.  I cry cause I know how hard it was on me to report it, and I feel that they're going to have me repeat myself all over again, and I don't know if I can emotionally handle it again.  I'm breaking down like I've never done before.  Begging for someone to hear me out. Someone to listen to me and understand what I'm going through even though they really can't.

I want to be strong. I've never felt so weak in my life. I never felt like I needed someone by my side for anything in my entire life and now I feel like I can't do this alone. I just feel that I can't.  And I break down at the thought of having to drive down there by myself tomorrow, knowing I'm going to have to drive back home after.  I may put myself stranded.  I don't know why this scares me so much.  I feel so fragile.

I pray that I heal from this. I pray to become only stronger in time. Time heals all right?