I cant stop thinking!!

School has kept me so busy that I haven't given much thought to my emotions and really it's been a nice distraction. Cause I prefer not to think about all of this -what happened to me.
I hate what happened to me.  I wish I could just forget all of it. I don't want to remember what 'he' did to me. I've struggled with depression a lot of my life and all of this hasn't helped. I really don't know what I can do to help me heal from this.  But I do know it's what I want desperately.
Is it out of my grasp right now? 
Do these tears I cry now, will they help me?
Will they help me heal?
Will me writing help me heal?
What can I do to help me heal???
I want to move on from all of this and I pray to my Lord that I will.
I feel like I've been destroyed.  Once I let my emotions take over like right now.  I feel damaged. I feel like he took so much from me that day.  And worst part of all of it he has absolutely no idea how its made me feel. He has no idea what it feels like to be taken advantage of, to lose that sense of security. 
I want my sense of security back.  I feel like I'll never get it back.
Can I rewind my life up to that night, not have gone to that party. 
How did 'you' think that it was okay to have done what you did to me that day?
Why did you do this to me?? That I have contemplated leaving this life from the hopelessness that I feel.
The pain that weighs down my heart is the worst, this feeling I have when my emotions have taken over. My breathing slowed, my throat feeling like its closed up. 
I feel like I can't take anymore but I know I have to be strong for my little boy and try to fight my emotions.  Fight the devil for the thoughts of suicide he has planted in my head.
I have so much to live for, my little boy first and foremost. 
I can't let that guy ultimately let my son lose his mother for the actions of what 'he' did to me.  I can't give him that too.  I pray to heal. 
Lord give me your strength and hope for another day, everyday. I love you!