Suffocating

I was raped.  Three words I never thought I would ever say nor reluctantly type in my life.  It happened nearly a month ago, and it feels like it happened a few days ago. and unfortunately I'll never forget it.  I'll never forget the smell that filled the room, the clammy look of his skin and face as he was on top of me as I woke from a blackout.  He was a guy I thought I could trust. I had known him for over a year and a half.  And it pains me to know he is the one that causes me all this pain he has caused me and continues to pain me with now.  I can barely stand it. I can barely hold it in.  I feel like my chest is about to explode from all this emotion that just wants to tear outside of me. I feel like I can't breathe and that I'm going to suffocate because I can't release it.  I can have some relief when I talk to someone about how I feel but it doesn't go away.  And I'm just trying to figure out a way that I can help myself feel normal when I'm alone with my thoughts.

I don't know if I have the strength in what it takes to continue this fight.  I'm emotionally exhausted at the thought of it already.  Last Thursday I finally reported this crime, and now I have to see the detective on the case tomorrow afternoon.  I cry cause I know how hard it was on me to report it, and I feel that they're going to have me repeat myself all over again, and I don't know if I can emotionally handle it again.  I'm breaking down like I've never done before.  Begging for someone to hear me out. Someone to listen to me and understand what I'm going through even though they really can't.

I want to be strong. I've never felt so weak in my life. I never felt like I needed someone by my side for anything in my entire life and now I feel like I can't do this alone. I just feel that I can't.  And I break down at the thought of having to drive down there by myself tomorrow, knowing I'm going to have to drive back home after.  I may put myself stranded.  I don't know why this scares me so much.  I feel so fragile.

I pray that I heal from this. I pray to become only stronger in time. Time heals all right?