Monday, January 30, 2012

I cant stop thinking!!

School has kept me so busy that I haven't given much thought to my emotions and really it's been a nice distraction. Cause I prefer not to think about all of this -what happened to me.
I hate what happened to me.  I wish I could just forget all of it. I don't want to remember what 'he' did to me. I've struggled with depression a lot of my life and all of this hasn't helped. I really don't know what I can do to help me heal from this.  But I do know it's what I want desperately.
Is it out of my grasp right now? 
Do these tears I cry now, will they help me?
Will they help me heal?
Will me writing help me heal?
What can I do to help me heal???
I want to move on from all of this and I pray to my Lord that I will.
I feel like I've been destroyed.  Once I let my emotions take over like right now.  I feel damaged. I feel like he took so much from me that day.  And worst part of all of it he has absolutely no idea how its made me feel. He has no idea what it feels like to be taken advantage of, to lose that sense of security. 
I want my sense of security back.  I feel like I'll never get it back.
Can I rewind my life up to that night, not have gone to that party. 
How did 'you' think that it was okay to have done what you did to me that day?
Why did you do this to me?? That I have contemplated leaving this life from the hopelessness that I feel.
The pain that weighs down my heart is the worst, this feeling I have when my emotions have taken over. My breathing slowed, my throat feeling like its closed up. 
I feel like I can't take anymore but I know I have to be strong for my little boy and try to fight my emotions.  Fight the devil for the thoughts of suicide he has planted in my head.
I have so much to live for, my little boy first and foremost. 
I can't let that guy ultimately let my son lose his mother for the actions of what 'he' did to me.  I can't give him that too.  I pray to heal. 
Lord give me your strength and hope for another day, everyday. I love you!



Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Crushed

Few weeks ago something crushed my soul and made me lose hope in a lot of things in this world.  This detective made me lose the confidence I somewhat had that I wanted to prosecute and made me change my mind.  Is what I'm deciding the right thing?  I feel like this lost soul, not knowing of where to go, what to do.  What's right and what's wrong? Do I try and find justice to this injustice that was done unto me?
Why am I having this war in my head? 
Was he ever a friend? Does he really think women as just objects?  That he can do what he pleases? 
If he was drunk out of his mind what he did was not right! I don't care if he was drunk, he has to realize I did NOT give consent to what I found him doing to me.   If I had known I was going to be raped I would have called for someone anyone to come and get me when I was throwing up!   I am so upset I at myself that I let myself get in that position and I'm hurt that I lost trust I had in friends or anyone for that matter.  I don't feel good and I'm having such a hard time with this.  
I want to heal and I don't know what I can do to possibly begin to move on from this.  Its eating me up inside. What makes me, me feels like its dying.  I don't feel like myself anymore. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Suffocating

I was raped.  Three words I never thought I would ever say nor reluctantly type in my life.  It happened nearly a month ago, and it feels like it happened a few days ago. and unfortunately I'll never forget it.  I'll never forget the smell that filled the room, the clammy look of his skin and face as he was on top of me as I woke from a blackout.  He was a guy I thought I could trust. I had known him for over a year and a half.  And it pains me to know he is the one that causes me all this pain he has caused me and continues to pain me with now.  I can barely stand it. I can barely hold it in.  I feel like my chest is about to explode from all this emotion that just wants to tear outside of me. I feel like I can't breathe and that I'm going to suffocate because I can't release it.  I can have some relief when I talk to someone about how I feel but it doesn't go away.  And I'm just trying to figure out a way that I can help myself feel normal when I'm alone with my thoughts.

I don't know if I have the strength in what it takes to continue this fight.  I'm emotionally exhausted at the thought of it already.  Last Thursday I finally reported this crime, and now I have to see the detective on the case tomorrow afternoon.  I cry cause I know how hard it was on me to report it, and I feel that they're going to have me repeat myself all over again, and I don't know if I can emotionally handle it again.  I'm breaking down like I've never done before.  Begging for someone to hear me out. Someone to listen to me and understand what I'm going through even though they really can't.

I want to be strong. I've never felt so weak in my life. I never felt like I needed someone by my side for anything in my entire life and now I feel like I can't do this alone. I just feel that I can't.  And I break down at the thought of having to drive down there by myself tomorrow, knowing I'm going to have to drive back home after.  I may put myself stranded.  I don't know why this scares me so much.  I feel so fragile.

I pray that I heal from this. I pray to become only stronger in time. Time heals all right?