To Feel Alive Again

I feel numb. So much going on in my life right now but I have this intense feeling I want to feel alive again.  As if I didn't?

I don't understand it.  I've noticed I have an intense need for some kind of change.  Can anyone help me understand why?

I've highlighted my mundane, brunette hair.  Let's begin with that. I'm normally content with my hair but I've been growing it out. It's quite long now. Before deciding to highlight it, I nearly decided to cut a lot of it off. That is when I decided to try some highlights instead to satisfy that need for change I was feeling.  I still want to cut off two inches but that's less than what I was envisioning before.  I'm trying to do things that satisfy this emotion I'm having and even though I do it thinking it would help me feel something, It still doesn't satisfy me.

My room.. I rearrange it all the time, throw things out, make room, switch it up, and it's never okay.  I feel like my room is closing in on me and that is why I'm trying to get rid of things.  I still want to change it some more. I feel like I'm suffocating, and I can't breathe...  and I try to change that room and it really does absolutely nothing.


I don't know where or who, or what to turn to now.  I honestly feel like I have no one.  And the friends I once had, seem like they've abandoned me.  And the only comfort I got today was from a fellow blogger.  Thank you, it truly meant the world to me.


This being strong thing is extremely hard.  I never thought that what happened to me would affect me this much.  I can hope and pray it won't bother me in the future years, but I highly doubt it. These kind of emotions just spring on me and I have absolutely no control over them.  Maybe the lack of control on my emotions really bother me too.  I don't feel strong when they spring on me the way they do.

I'm tired of feeling like I do now.  Emotionally exhausted because of these emotions that sprung on me.
I pray for the day I feel less and less of these type of emotions.
If anyone can help me understand my emotions feel free to comment. I appreciate any feedback to help me understand my thoughts, and give me somewhat clarity so I can try to heal from this.  Surely seems like a never-ending story, but I'm attempting to take my first step.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.  <3

Why have you broken me?

Close upon eight weeks ago, I was raped.  It is something I am constantly trying to forget, move on from, heal from.  I will not deny it has been the hardest time in my life.  I never felt these kinds of emotions before this happened to me.  I have not been myself in a long time, I can only try to pretend I'm the same person I once was.  But this has tainted me for the rest of my life… I just pray one day I will barely remember.  I don't know why I didn't, but I didn't press charges.  I just wanted to forget it happened. Pretend it never happened.  But even if I didn't take those measures, I can't forget. I can't get it out of my mind.  I will no longer trust so easily.  I thought of him as a friend. I never expected that from him.   He has caused me so much pain.  I contemplated suicide because I couldn't decide to press charges or not, so I decided to put it out of my mind --I just didn't want to think about it anymore.  My hectic schedule has helped me to not think about it but when I do have time to merely think, my thoughts always go back.  And it puts me in this other world, if you saw me when this happened you'd understand what I'm trying to explain.  I'm not there.  I'm right back 'there' where it happened.  And I hate that place!   Nearly two months and I still feel so hurt and broken.  I wonder how much longer will it take to feel like myself again?  How much longer, can anyone tell me?  Because I don't see it.  

And 'you', why did you do this to me?  Why have you broken me? Why did you think that what you did was okay?  I still find myself in denial that it was you. What you did wasn't right.  You will never know the pain you've caused me.  The turmoil you've put me through.  My world has been put upside down because of you!  I contemplated suicide because of you, but you know what stopped me?  My son…   he is the only one that brings me hope through all of this.  I can only see a future because of him.  He is the reason why I try to continue to hold myself up just barely.  Everyday is still a struggle.  It crushes me to think if you’d ever do this to another girl.  Next time, please think about your little girl before you do it!!  Think, would you ever want a man do this to her?  I pray that your daughter will never have to experience what I experienced.  May God keep her away from harm and that no monster will ever do that to her.